The Beginning

12|9|11    Dad’s Cancer Diagnosis 1 year to live I’ve never in my life looked at my dad as weak until today. His mind isn’t weak nor his soul but first time in my life he seemed frail as if the cancer is as bad as they say.

Cancer – what a nasty word. One solitary word can send shockeaves of devastation through one’s soul, ones foundation, ones heart and ripple out toward every inch of their being. I am my father’s daughter – so many facets of myself reflect from him – and now he is dying. We are all dying but he has been given a date , a timeline, an unnatural end. 12|12|11 I cry because my father is being taken from me. I cry because he will never get to see his granddaughters grow.

12|13|11 63- that’s not the right number Isn’t it 76? I always thought I would atleast have until then… We are 13 years early! 13 years is huge He will never see them go to kindergarten, their first play or even be too cool for him-

76- that’s an overstatement. 63 is too early -20 years should remain. I’m pissed! I’m lost! I’m sad! I’m numb!

63!

12|27|11 Last week we spent the Christmas holiday with my parents. This happening to us has made me realize how important family is but mostly that every minute I can spend with my dad needs to be treasured – a gift.

It has only been two weeks since I saw my dad last but I could already see he had changed – weaker in stature. His pants seemed looser and and his face shallower. A once large and loud man now becoming a small and reserved person. He didn’t want to be around crowds or groups of people he knew for that matter. The offer of dining out was passed upon due to his pain in swallowing and it his energy to keep up with Julia gone due to the cancer causing internal bleeding. I’m pissed. Since Julia was born two years ago he has exuded energy as he has kept up with his little soul mate and all the energy that exudes from her but now he cant and I saw it in his face when he needed a break. Why? I’m pissed that something like this has been placed upon him When he had finally found such pure joy in life.

Cancer- I’m still in shock that it has happened to us. I am still angry and sad and pissed off and distraught

|ANGER|

#bipolardisorder2 #femaleexperience #lossofaparent