I Will Leave You at Wal-Mart

A few weeks ago I had to devote a day to errands to prepare for our upcoming family vacation – a Royal Caribbean cruise. All of the babysitters were busy and I couldn’t seem to find anyone to pawn the kids (two girls, 8 and 9 years old) off on so here I went with two girls who were just tired of being with each other. Honestly I was a bit more tired of them I think. In addition to being with two other humans almost non stop for two months now, I was in the middle of a severe case of PMS and my patience was as thin as ice during a mid-July drought.

So when more complaining from them started I about lost my shit. Judge me if you like but until you walk in the shoes I wore that day….. The complaining had been off and on all day so finally I snapped – in my mind – and maybe a little in reality. Hey I’m human. If you’ve never had thoughts like this run through your mind then you’re a better human than me.

J: We are so annoyed because we have plans. We have been out soooo long.

C: Soo long. Can’t we just go home. We wanna play with our friends.

Me: I’m sorry but we have to get these errands ran before the cruise.

Me in my mind: Hey girls let me get this correct. I just want to make sure I am in the wrong for ruining your plans. I had to take you with me to get a new WiFi router today because your world is falling apart without WiFi and for you it’s just too hot to play outside. I really wanted to leave you home alone but there are laws against doing that and I don’t need child endangerment on my resume. I then took you to get new clothes because you won’t quit growing so maybe I need to quit feeding you and lock you in a closet? One of you look like an 8 year old hoochie momma in those shorts – not on my watch. Then one of you managed to get sick in the middle of summer so I’ve spent two hours today at a walk in clinic and I have been to Wal-Mart, a.k.a. hell, to get things to make you healthy for that cruise you wanted to go on. I stood in line at the pharmacy twice. That is two times in a line – I despise lines. Now you’re bitching again that we have to go to a different pharmacy to pick up my birth control. It’s half the price it is at Wal-Mart so we’re heading to Wal-Greens. One day you will understand the scam the drug companies and insurance companies are running on us but until then just know that a two mile trip has saved money which gives you the WiFi to watch Youtube videos, an air-conditioned home so you don’t have stand in front of the fridge trying to cool down and food to grow so you get new clothes that fit you and you don’t look like elementary school hookers. Oh and let’s not forget that the one thing I’m doing for myself today (outside of yoga which only happened because I signed you up for $200 camps) is getting a pill that will help you maintain this life you live – a new sibling will kick your awesome vacations out the door, spit up on your new clothes and drool on your iPads. So shut it, sit back in your fancy leather seats, put your headphones on and watch some Mary Poppins while I do mom shit instead of leaving you at Wal-Mart and they make a movie out of you. – A mom on the brink of full breakdown who is beyond ready for school to resume

Me in reality: I’m sorry kids but we have to get these things done. So sorry I’m annoying you but if you want to get better, have what we need and go on a cruise you gotta tough it out. (said with a touch of sarcasm and sass)

So next time you want to leave your kids at Wal-Mart and go to the bar next door don’t feel so bad. Just remember you can’t do it but in your mind you can do anything!